New Company Rules!

We recently got our company handbooks at FM104. It's like reading a bus timetable compared to this! Sadly, I'm sure there are some companies that go by these rules.....

TO ALL EMPLOYEES - EFFECTIVE JANUARY 2008 DRESS CODE

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise. 2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay rise. 3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay rise.

SICK DAYS 1.We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

HOLIDAY DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE 1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles. 2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken. 3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. 4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

SMOKE BREAKS 1. Smoke breaks are taken at your own risk and time. 2. Smoking KILLS and your company cannot be held responsible while smoking in company time. 3. When ever a smoke break is taken this is classed as unpaid time or leave as the company can and will not be part of the cause of your death or associated with it in any way.

LUNCH BREAKS 1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. 2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch toget a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. 3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.