Anyone For Tennis?

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"she told him."Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to theside, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"?He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!

Think Before You Speak!

How true that statement!

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak!Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediatelytake the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids intow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampooand a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out andnever went back My husband didn't say a word.. he knewbetter.

SECOND TESTIMONY:I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golfballs. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by oneof the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.. Heasked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at himand said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store thatsold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at thedisplay case, the boy behind the counter asked if we neededany help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."My sister started to laugh hysterically.The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONYWhile in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decidedto release some pent-up energy and ran amok I was finallyable to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgustand annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didnot start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To myhorror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just !as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I willtell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee lastnight!" The silence was deafening after this enlighteningexchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of thebank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard whenthe door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times?My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with pottytraining and I was on him constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, inbetween errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so ofcourse I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.Then realized that Danny had not asked to go for potty in awhile. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because thesmell was getting worse.Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have anaccident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUSTFARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on theirtacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the bestlaugh they'd ever had! *

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 daysand a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in thefuture, likely think before she speaks. What happens whenyou predict snow but don't get any! We had a female newsanchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowedand didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not onlydid HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too theywere laughing so hard!